Right around my heart.

First let me start by saying a very happy new year to all you wonderful people out there. Blog friends are real friends :) I told myself today as I was contemplating on writing something...that I’d put my snide and cynic remarks in the closet and say what I really want to say in a plain way. Low key. Less Melodrama. Not my kind of style.FYI

It’s 2/1/09 and...yesterday as I stood at my balcony which I hardly ever .. it sort of faces the beach and watching different people go by in cars, trams and it suddenly gets a little dark...sunset up in St Kilda is freaking awesome..and I get great sunset view, palm trees and all that jazz from my balcony...I know you must be thinking..that lucky bitch..but somehow I felt kind of empty...an empty feeling.
I usually don’t get this blankness right to you..but living alone, somehow I have the courage to say it..perhaps it has always been there. Who knew? People always put what you like to see. Isn’t that life? You usually get an annual report on my birthday..but I thought I’d write it post news years day...How I feel about all sorts of shit...marriage, friends who are married, friends in relationships, friends that dying to be in one, people that hold on to blind love and etc.

I’m no expert.

But I know my shit.

I look back at my past relationships, crushes, almost relationships, frantic hookups and etc...with which none of them turned out to be all moonlight and roses. A very unfairy tale.

And I blamed everything on men.

http://nalinakiru.blog.friendster.com/2006/06/men/

(I remember writing that drunk..I thought it might improve my judgment)

It’s always their fault, men are such bastards, why do they exist? Can’t they just die a slow painful death? All these thoughts always crossed my mind...but hey who are we kidding here..But..just but...here me out...it could be me..it’s just..could be me..

a)It could be me with the problem.As I do not know all the dating/relationships 101s.

b) Perhaps it was god’s freaking hands. Knowing that it’s not the one and knowing that I’ll always be blind and never learn...he turns the bottle to end things just so I could steer clear of all the Mr. Wrongs.

Wanna throw up yet?

Through all the Mr. Wrongs. Tiring in it? Like a rehearsal. But hey I made progress. I have been moving up the shit pile. Still there...still shit...but getting better..

But I wouldn’t change anything. My past is a write off. I accept. If I were to turn back time, I’ll leave everything just the way it is..it wouldn’t have made me the person I’m today. I had to go through all that. Karma? But I’ll probably go with the ’they were never that into me’ theory. Should I be angry? No. You have turned men down have you not? Even if they were eating into your hands with enthusiasm.

Being careful is bullshit. There is no such thing as being careful in my vocabulary. The moment you like a boy/girl...game over....it’s like you’re diving into the unknown all over gain...we’re all swimming in risky waters the whole journey through. But no risk no gain. If start to tell you about ALL my emotional experience..I’d be the longest blogger on earth...so it’s best if I share what good came out of it..

Let me side track...this paragraph is dedicated to my good friend Appleglow. Appleglow was in an emotional trap recently and couldn’t get out of it. I mean, we all go there time and again.Sometimes things work out like crap for the best...If he was into you...he would be with you today...he wasn’t...so NEXT...and someone told me, in an emo trap...best way to flee is to take one step back...you’re taking 3 steps forward...gradually 2 steps back..6 steps forward..keep going Appleglow. THIS WILL PASS. It’s no fun hunny...but sometimes you got to eat the fruits of life and just let it GO..whatever....the settling of scores and etc..let it go...and MOVE...keep moving, you’ll forget about him...dance, sing(which Appleglow has a problem with), do stuff...keep moving...live....it’s there...it’s all there...and it’s not hard..You’ll know...don’t you want that ’intoxicating, inconvenient, can’t live without each other kind of love? I quote SATC..Love is NOT science fiction. If you want to have flings/crushes..go AHEAD...but don’t expect anything...because once you expect..all you’ll ever get is a few weeks of nice dizziness and then stabbing disappointment(even if he kisses you the way Tom kissed Renne in Jerry Mcguire).....and we’re all be back to square one where valentine’s day is as good as a funeral day.

But be conscious that things can just flip. One day its sweet and the very next day (not giving you any time to prepare) it’s bitter. And men get it. They do. It’s sometimes women who are just time wasters.

It feels as if I’m getting to the crux...but not quite there yet..

Right now...it’s all calm waters...Tsunami will hit when I’m 30.

It’s too much hard work to sit down and ponder...just live ay?