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Auditor, noun: an accountant with a grudge.
Contents
1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
2 Evolution of Auditors
3 Characteristics of Auditors
4 Auditors and Reproduction
5 Becoming an Auditor
1
Life Cycle of an Auditor
Auditors are a species of nomadic mammals, which came to Earth from the planet Debitor in the 1960s. Auditors are paperivores, and hunt in packs, known as audit teams. Each audit team is part of a bigger tribe. There is much tribal rivalry and situations are subject to change as large tribes seek to exterminate one another, but at the time of going to press, the ruling tribe in the audit world was PWC (Pricks with Calculators). An audit team typically changes its hunting ground every couple of weeks. Hunting grounds normally take the form of offices, but may also include factories, shops, schools and hyperspace. Any place of work is a potential source of nourishment to the paper-hungry auditor. All audit teams have a leader, who runs ahead of the pack in search of an audit trail. Should he find something suspicious, for example a file that has not been organized in alphabetical order, he will begin baying to attract the attention of the rest of the pack. Once the pack has a sniff of the scent, they are released upon the unsuspecting company, and tear around the offices of the internal accounts department, hunting out similar transgressions. When they find another offending item, they will let out a characteristic whoop of delight, and fall upon the filing cabinet, tearing the paperwork to shreds with their bare teeth in their eagerness to devour it. Audit packs have their own dens, known as home offices. The pack visits the office on average once a month, in order to refuel on stationery. Auditors can survive several days and nights without water, sex or sunlight but are liable to fall seriously ill if deprived of paper clips and yellow post-its. These, along with Tippex, are considered special delicacies. Tippex is particularly high in nutrients, and swallowing a small bottle of correction fluid before breakfast is widely believed to have beneficial effects on an auditor's digestive system.
2 Evolution of Auditors
Among laypeople there is a common perception that auditors and accountants are the same thing. Until 4 January 1972, this may or may not have been true. Before this time accountants and auditors had rested secure in the knowledge that debit was the side nearest the window. This is the first commandment of auditing, as given by Journalus Creditus and is believed by all auditors with a deep religious devotion. On this fateful day, however, Pricks with Calculators opened a brand spanking new den in the centre of London. Due to a tragic misunderstanding with the architect, a terrible mistake occurred; namely, that the building was constructed on a corner. The result was that the office now had windows on two walls. The accounting world was thrown into a dark and terrible confusion and a dreadful schism occurred. One group believed debit was the side nearest the window overlooking the high street, whilst the other could not be shaken from the conviction that it was the window overlooking the multistory car park. The matter was referred to an independent government committee, who eventually ruled that it was indeed the high street facing window. Those accountants who had believed in the multi-storey car park were distraught and flew into a violent frenzy with much wailing and shredding of papers. They felt so embittered that they vowed never to perform any constructive book-keeping tasks again. Instead they swore to roam the earth in search of other people’s book-keeping mistakes, in an attempt to dull the pain of their own unforgivable error. Initially they were content just to detail the errors in Audit Reports. The recession of the 1980s, however, meant times soon became lean and it was then that the custom of consuming erroneous paperwork was born.
3 Characteristics of Auditors
Whilst auditors come in both genders, males outnumber females in a ratio of 2:1. There is a good evolutional reason for this since the first thing a trainee auditor must master is the art of double entry. It is customary for large tribes of auditors such as Pricks with Calculators to send their new recruits on month-long residential courses to practice this useful skill. For obvious reasons of practicality, only one female auditor is required for every two men. In general, the best time to spot an auditor is during the so-called Audit Season which runs from January to April. Auditors with their distinctive pin-stripe plumage will be present in large numbers in all major offices, factories and places of work. If you think you have seen an auditor, approach with caution. Avoid making eye contact, as this may be viewed as antagonistic. Should the auditor begin to behave aggressively towards you, asking what proportion of your contingent liabilities you consider probable, the best advice is to shout "Enron!" and run very fast in the opposite direction. This will make the auditor in question shrivel up and die.
4 Auditors and ReproductionStocktaking is a strange version of foreplay peculiar to auditors. The audit pack will arrive at an industrial site at 6am in the morning and demand to know how many widgets they have. The auditors will then spend many happy hours counting the widgets and comparing their results to the figures on the company stock system. The more unexpected discrepancies that they find, the more sexually aroused they become. If at the end of the day they conclude that the company has been overstating their widgets, they will spontaneously orgasm en masse and begin to practice their double-entry by way of celebration. It doesn’t have to be widgets; it could be grains of sand. So long as it’s something which there is absolutely no value in counting, it will do the trick.
5 Becoming an Auditor
In order to become an auditor, it is necessary to pass the initiation rites of the ICAEW. There is a common misconception amongst laypeople that these initials stand for the Institute of Chartered Accountants of England and Wales. In fact, they represent the Institute of Calculator Addicts and Excel Worshippers. Trainee auditors spend many years at auditing colleges, where they study diverse subjects including BF (Better Filing), BM (Being Miserable) and FR (Finding Romance). In order to become officially qualified it is necessary to achieve a high pass in BF and BM combined with a bad fail in FR. If reading this article has made you feel you would like to become an auditor, you are advised to seek immediate psychiatric help.
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