Party Animals

I’ am still under the ‘I can’t believe I’ am 26’ spell.

You know you young folks out there, grandma Nelly just wants to tell you that after you hit 26, the need to blog garbage excessively isn’t a bad thing.

I don’t fancy going to clubs very much, because I think iam just too old for that kind of stuff any longer. Prefer a cup of coffee, a quiet bar or a rock concert.

Though, I did go to a BBQ party by the pool last Friday. As a co-organizer, I got to the party early to help set up and so on. While setting up, 2 girl friends of mine and i saw 2 cute white men swimming and felt like inviting them to the party. Of course, it was me, being the only blatant woman in the world to have gone up to them (armed with my most sexy strut) and asked them to join us later on. They said ok and it would be great. Cool

And we got on to setting up the BBQ pit with the fire and what not. We just couldn’t start the fire. Nothing would burn. No idea why. So we needed some genuine help.

What did I do, yes..asked the two hot men to start the fire.

Did my catwalk again. And asked them for a helping hand.

They jumped up from the pool, drenched, hot bodies I must say and walked over to the fire pit, while girlfriend 1 and 2 disappears.

Fire starter:-

Hunk 1: Ohhhh….there’s no way a fire is gonna start with this..you need a good structure with the coal and wood and etc.

Hunk 2: Pass me the match box.

Me: Here you go.

Hunk 1: You live here?

Me: No, just here for the party. What about you guys? On a holiday?

Hunk 2: No, were actually medical students. final year. doing an overseas assignment.

Hunk 1: Yeah we are doctors. Iam into neurology and he is specializing in plastic surgery, saying this while blowing the fire to make it bigger, and sweating from head to toe. Still in their bathing suits. All simultaneously.

Me: (Under a perpetual dry spell-therefore extra vulnerable) Trying hard not to make my chin wag or jaw drop.
I think I nearly came. Luckily I was seated and had a good grip of the chair’s arm rest, with all that melting provocative tension (in the top ten things to not do if you want to tantalize/pick-up-a-Mc Steamy look-a-like)

It was like Mc Dreamy and Mc Steamy.

Dear god, damn it, where is my bikini when I need it the most!

Then I thought again…maybe not…cause that might have given them a fright of their lives. It may draw attention to my hippo hips. MY HIPS AND THIGHS DON’T LIE.

Everyone was quite plastered I think, including Vickna who asked me if I had put my car in my bag. Nalina, is your car in your bag? And shayanee who fell and rolled into a puddle of mud.

Unfortunately we had to wrap it up by 11:30 as the rules say, we tried to prolong it, but we kind of got sick of playing who can stare at each other longer with the security guard.

Party Over.

Continuing Professional Development: WINE!

I get an email from CPA Australia AGAIN.Summarised below.

Dear CPA,

Subject: Wines of the World:
A Systematic Tasting Approach

8 CPD hours
COURSE OUTLINE
• Wine making concepts
• Theory of red and white vinification
• How to identify various grapes using 3 senses
• How to read labels
• How to estimate age of wine
• Art of tasting: Systematic approach
• General knowledge of wines:
-Wines of the World
-New World
-Old World
-Sparkling Wines
-Liqueurs & Spirits
• Tips to buy & select wines

LEARNING OUTCOMES
►At the end of this session, you will be able to :
- Know the main varietals for old world and new world wines
- Understand the basics of wine making
- Describe wine using professional terms
- Master the main steps of wine tasting
- Read and understand a wine label
- Pronounce main French Wine varietals and Quality labels
- Know fundamentals to buy and select wines
- Appreciate wine in a deeper and enjoyable way

Much love and more alcoholic development,
The board of CPA Australia.

I’ am still pondering on how becoming a CPA has got anything to do with wine tasting and how is this continuing professional development (CPD) in any way? I get CPD hours for this! Hah!

I signed up of course.

Suddenly I feel its all worth it. I need to have a serious talk with Rajan about how it isn’t so bad after all.
After a hard weeks work, we usually look like this


The shit faced and fugly. Auditors in their element.Rajan and I. Leaders of tomorrow.

Audit firms usually have this yearly inter-audit firm games, which I choose not to take part this year because of somewhat embarrassing situations in the past, i.e., running right into the netball goal post, slamming into people and losing the game in the end, after all that harshness. Apparently this year, there aren’t enough female players for games and the netball captain asked me to play.
“ Aiyaaa, Nalina play la..you almost 6 foot tall, you stand there enough, people will get scared”
It’s ok. I’ am not playing this year.
Just because I’ am tall, that does not mean I have to play and will guarantee a win!
Questions that are being thrown at me lately are getting increasingly stupid. Like why are you still single Nalina? Why won’t you play netball? Why are your short skirts so short? (then why is called SHORT then?-meant to be short), Why are you wearing heels, when you’re so tall( Look sister, the taller you are, the higher the heels-get on with it) and the like. Gosh

Shut up people.

I could be this comfortable on first dates:



So wanna take me home?

Rocky road: Love stings

Very few people achieve fame/gain recognition.

Award/Badge of honour for: constant unquestionable f**ked up love life with perpetual not so tasteful asshole radar while ruining one self’s emotional intelligence in the process.

And the award goes to…drumrollllll….

ME!!!....Wow !!!

Welcome to my challenged love life where I never learn and possibly even goats feel sorry for my bad luck. (Food for thought).For me of course.

“Never learn”-indicates that when a person goes into deep shit, she keeps on going back to the same shit, even if it is not good shit.old shit.bad shit.Can’t seem to discard the idea that retards are not good. It’s hard to say which is worse.

Stubborn as a mule. I’ am a true and true Taurean.

I don’t really know why the need to blog this.I usually hardly speak on this. So iam not going to. Perhaps iam having a pathetic moment.

I’am a romantic. Huge sucker for romance. (Which is why iam gripped with the last episode of Sex and the city?) No idea why. In addition, I think Dr.Alex Karev should still go out with Izzie Stevens-The Grey’s Anatomy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TimxEiPB8hA

What a kiss.Note his approach before kissing her and the way he says good night. I pathetically keep watching this episode over and over and over again.*Heavy Sigh*.If only Bon Jovi kissed me like that. I’ll say it again. What a kiss.

Exception to the general rule of Taureans being absurd lovers, the bull is a fantastic lover! …Possessive, loyal, kind, blah.

If you’re an Indian and you feel as though there’s nothing to live for. Please continue reading. If not, or you’re a heart patient with a weak heart, STOP HERE.

I got a very worrying email of pictures of new age Indian movie stars. (Iam an Indian, before I forget)

Title of the email: Stars of tomorrow





Eye candy anyone?

Concept of women and cars : Different kind of road rage

I’ am out of my PMS condition, so I can be a happy blogger for the next 28 days.Yay!!

I excitedly told this guy friend of mine that I had driven from JB to KL in a manual car. How cool is that! He asked me, if the car was okay and if people were dead. This out-and-out negative treatment wasn’t necessary at all.

I know many of you male chauvinist pigs (you know who you are) out there think that women shouldn’t be driving cars, simply because we just don’t and can’t drive to save our lives.
Oh yes we do.
We know how to drive a car and drive you up the wall. Just fine. See. We are certainly good drivers.

Okay. Maybe ONCE or TWICE, I would have done a SMALL boo boo. The best was with my baby sister and some friends.
The few of us went for a movie and like innate alcoholics we didn’t buy the usual twisties or pop corns, however we sneaked in bottles of white wine instead. Nice chilled white wine. Halfway through the Da Vinci Code, which I enjoyed. Even better I had wine and enjoyed the movie. Trying hard to hold back from taking a jokey piss at my Christian buddies.

I sense the Christ punished me later on.

I had to drive home from the after wine movie.

Clause: I can hold my alco, except for any kind of wine = Kryptonite

Dhis (sister): Careful. I think you’re pretty drunk. Want me to take over?
Me: Shut up. No need. Plus I have reverse sensors (one of the wonders of the world). It’s my Betsy (the name of my car) and the house isn’t far.
Dhis: Yeah you prolly need reverse, front and side sensors. In general.
Me: Whatever. I have seen more daylight than you. Don’t tell me what to do.
I reversed, relying on my reliable reverse sensors, until I heard a sound.
I stopped and immediately sobered up.Damn!
Not quite sure which aggravated me more, the fact that I had just knocked my car against the parking divider or that I had gotten sober.
My sister was laughing into her cardigan because if she were to laugh out loud, it would definitely resort to her walking home.

So what. I would have hit a few dividers, caused frustration and annoyance on the road (people showing me signs), driving on oncoming lanes, takes 45 minutes to side park, goes into a smart tag lane with no smart tag (had to get down to tell cars to move back), nearly killed a few people and so on-Yes I did bribe the driving school. It’s Malaysia FYI. Nothing goes on without paying-off. Therefore, not an ounce of guilt here.

What’s the biggie? I did not kill anyone, nor did my car end up in a tree or the drain.

Below:A picture of a sign i used to have stuck onto one of the windows in my car. (Dad told me to take it out, because they might PUT ME BEHIND BARS again if coppers see it.Just like how they would put me behind bars because i submitted my taxes late)


I got stopped by a sleazy copper some nights back, as they were doing their ‘random’ checks (nothing to do with corruption). He looked intently at me, and into my eyes to see signs of drunkard-ness I guess. I stared back.
I showed him my Malaysian drivers’ license and he let me off.
But I didn’t show him my’ Bitch on wheels’ license or my’ Hell was so full that I came back’ license.

The Real me VS the PMS me: Something to talk about

I woke up yesterday morning feeling good and upbeat about everything without ANY nightmares of troubled times and the fairy tale world where I love my job. Until I realized it’s that freakin time of the month when you feel as though your uterus is doing a hop skip jump ballerina and the right side of your back feels like it’s at war with the left side of your back.

High level of mood swings. Major.

I tend to think iam Queen.

My red light is up. I warned you: do not play with fire (invisibly on my forehead). No conceivable way to change that.

And also yeah. Random topics not in order of any sort would be merely brought up.

For some reason, I wrote about death and don’t feel like posting it. But I’ll cut and paste only snippets of the draft where people won’t think I need help.

Another thought that is stirring me up again. Death.

My grand uncle died on the 6th of June 1976 in a plane crash over Sembulan village, which is situated in Kota Kinabalu district. The plane which was on its way to KK airport from Labuan, crashed about 30 minutes after taking off. Till this date, no formal report appears to have been made. (Wikipedia) He was the pilot, Captain Gandhinathan. Can’t seem to find anything on him as it says no formal report made. He was like 33 years old I think. Apparently, he was nearly vanished entirely, and people could only recognise him from the shape of his ears.

Gosh this is sad.

I assume iam afraid of death or something like it.


People are just dropping dead every now and then, and to make things worse, young ones like me. Heart attacks, car accidents, strange deceases and the like. Some of them hale and hearty. So why cant it happen to people like you and me?

So just how do we know that we’re going to die? Do we see a light? According to Hindu priests, about 3 days before dying, you’d feel and recognise the aura of death and a few minutes before your soul leaves the body you’ll see and hear the gods dancing above you. (Nadarajan) .They say this.

Plane crash is the most terrifying of them all. Being the pilot is perhaps worst. Caught up with all the tension that your plane is going down, you being the pilot trying hard to maneuver it helplessly. One can only imagine.


Life is just way too short.

Too short to be upset, holding grudges, being difficult and all that crap.

For the moment, I would like to make peace with people I don’t like. The possibility of this happening is 0 though. I usually have very valid reasons on why I say ‘I don’t like you’. It’s simple really. It’s because you leave very little room for choice and discretion.

Whats new:-

Goal:
On a diet in an attempt to improve my image towards reaching my target of looking something close to Charlize Theron.

Progress:
Still looking like Ursula the sea witch with nice large hips, one pack tummy and love handles the size of South Africa, worshipping gurdles so I don’t expand all my work clothes.

Goal:
With a leap of faith, iam throwing the dice by leaving this coming October to be a successful accountant that would shudder the city of Victoria and to become a millionaire by 35.

Progress:
Sipping my coffee every morning and building castles in the air. Still looking at my audit files and secretly wishing everyone at my office was dead. And telling all my aussie mates cya in October matey!!(Without a job or a place to stay)- The way forward. According to Oscar Wilde(Irish Novelist) and wise man, an ambition is a failure’s last resort.

Sigh.Nalina Nalina.Even I do not know what to do with me.

Some things never go out of fashion: My black stockings

Liverpool Champions of Europe 2005.

I’ am 26 years old: What is next?

This is the craziest thing I have ever heard: Happy 26th Nalina!!!

It’s not funny.

Ok. It’s that time again, when I hyperventilate.

It took me a good 20 minutes to get out of bed the next day, because I was staring into space, and doubting everything…26…well iam still in major denial..

The night before, my friends got me quite legless so that I could fall face down in my flower pot on my front porch later on. (Yes I was drunk/slept a happy woman)-You see why I cant be 26?..first, its like the strangest number on earth, I mean..26??..like what stupid number..second, 26 year olds don’t get drunk, misbehave, fall all over the place,still watch thundercats,high tendency of fainting if Bon Jovi appears in front of them, and LOTS more.

Obviously iam not 26 bodoh.So at the very least, stop wishing me happy belated birthday!. Even celebrity fitness had wished me.Shit.By the way, this is the gym I go to which also categorized me as scientifically obese and slightly below monstrosity, even if I don’t look it. It’s called body fats my friend. Not according to me but to them, clearly because I was in the depths of despair after they gave me my fat chart.

Everyone knows something about football. My friend put together an event to uphold the FA Cup final last Saturday which went on pretty well with two highlights of the night..one being MU’s defeat and the other Sacred Highway’s performance(OMFG)..or maybe the Tiger girls who were dressed to kill with mini skirts and fishnet stockings that couldn’t sell beer.
Sorry, i have been a Liverpool fan since the age of 14 when Ramadhan( my classmate) aggressively convinced me to be one :) .It worked.Joel, iam still a Liverpool fan even if I said dudek( the goal keeper) will score on live radio. Forgiveness is bliss. I would also like to take this opportunity to express my utmost sincere sadness with regards to MU’s defeat. Buuu Huuuu Huuuuuu….LOL..Hahahhahahahahah.

Back to Sacred highways. Don’t see much of them. But on Saturday, I can guarantee you. It was a genuine uproar from the crowd because they were just good. I have to mention the guitar solo for sweet child of mine and bed of roses….my GOD…in such instances, withholding uncontainable multiple mental orgasms is a difficult option.

I got a talk from my aunt some days ago about finding a man. According to the conventional wisdom of my aunties aged between 50-90: ‘You need a man child. You need a man now’. Refer to my friendster blogs for more agony on why I have aunties like this. Its gone to the extent of asking my mom for pretty photographs of me in a saree,wearing gold,face and hair filled with gingerly oil and turmeric powder, to send to my other aunties in Tanjavur,India, cause that’s how it works in the Indian match making industry. They want my photograph. They want me to go global.FYI. I don’t know when is a good time to jump off a cliff, as iam still at work. I guess later.


Above are two pictures ,one for my aunty:Guaranteed to find a man and Sacred Highways in action.

Nalina’s brainchild

How my thoughts are remaking is making me sick every time I even think. Well I tend to think of whatever that makes me feel on top other than my legendary taste in men. Today is the last day to submit your tax form to the IRB (Inland Revenue Bastards.Sorry Board) which I of course conveniently forgot because I know my priorities in life and paying taxes isn’t one of it. So I forgot and dad had to remind me. In a very nice way.

Dad: Have you done your taxes child?
Me: What tax?..Ohhh..i’ll do it later
Dad: Later? How late? Deadline is tomorrow.
Me: I’ll do it later
Dad: There’s a fine, for late submission (he thought by saying this he could scare the crap outta me).unsuccessful.
Me: Uhmmm….
Dad: (trying the nice way, didn’t budge me, so he got into his usual frenzy instead)
WHY ARE YOU SO RECKLESS? HAH? CANT YOU JUST DO THIS SIMPLE THING? YOU ARE OF NO USE TO MAN OR BEAST! DO YOU NEED ME TO TELL YOU EVERYTHING IN LIFE? DO YOU WANT TO GO TO JAIL? THEY WILL PUT YOU BEHIND BARS I TELL YOU YOU BLOODY PLAY THE FOOL YOU BLOODY HELL GIRL.- in his Indian slang
Me: Jail ah?...ok ok I’ll do it now.
Dad: Good.
Me: Is money spent on shoes deductible?
Dad: No you dim fool. If it is then, YOU don’t have to pay taxes for the next 20 years or even for life.
Me: I think they should. I’am going to take the responsibility to write in to them on this matter. Without shoes, you are ‘kurang upaya’.All women will agree to this one.
Dad: Silence. Either feeling faintish or wondering why I came into this world.

They will put you behind bars. It’s the same concept as how panadol can cure anything.

An example of a father-daughter relationship that is built to last.

For as long as I could remember, I consider myself very clever with my finances somehow. Not in a chief economist for the central bank kind of way..but clever enough to afford to pay my minimum credit card payments every 2 months. Every month is not clever. Every 2 months is sensible.Dont argue with me.

Fairness in this life is fast disappearing. People in this world are becoming less and less mindful in understanding the chains of life. Fairness in this context applies to me! Having to deal with all this from every angle of my everyday life. Am I saying life too much? Why do people do the things they do or say the things they say which at times are way too silly and undeveloped? I wonder. Perhaps we’re all dissimilar and we see and deal with issues in a different way. For example, some people crawl up in a hole and stay there, some people act up badly, and some people become complete momentary idiots. An example of someone that is way too slow in grasping how this freakin world actually works is none other than my boss.

Iam a chocolate lover. Iam also a coffee lover. Iam also a wine lover. But I love my chocolate. Cadbury dairy milk or nutella and vanilla ice cream. If you want to find a way to my heart. You could start with this : )

African farmers are now expanding into chocolate making instead of previously just exporting cocoa beans, which I think is clever too, other than paying the minimum credit card bill once in 2 months. West Africa I think to be exact, which is the area that produces 70% of the world’s cocoa. And these cocoa farmers are expanding into chocolate making as they only capture in totality $4 billion from the sale of cocoa beans from the total global sales of chocolate (where the money actually is) of $75 billion a year. Boy I’d like to be part of this.

Its 2:49pm.I want coffee. This is the usual hour where Esther and I sneak out to have a cup and sneak back in like rats. Coffee isn’t the same without you Esther! And I have a ton of work but I got carried away venting in this blog.

Yamuna/Shayanee, Oyster Bay is just looking at me everyday, screaming my name. I know I said I’ll keep it for you. But that’s depends now. I might be on a brink of suicide after seeing the partner today. So thanking you in advance.

FYI- Thats a picture of Esther and Neil.What a cutie.

As promised: Dakshayanee Indra Bond

Disclaimer: This is ONLY a build up to the drunken speech I’ am giving on your wedding day.

If a book was to be written by me, I’d be the best seller.

In a nutshell: The 8 things I love about Shayanee, not in order of any sort. Cause they’re all good. Holy mother of god. Here we go

1) Why is she called Bond? You may ask…Well I mean Iam no brain surgeon/rocket scientist, but how would you described Bond without saying a few obvious words like, Goldeneye and etc…There’s 007, casino royale or whatever…but, to her…den den den deNNNNNN was suffice for any lay man to know that it is Bond that she’s trying to say. Oh yes, she was bloody serious by the way.

2) Never in freakin’ dry spell.NEVER.Think eeee haaaaa! ;) uhmmm ?

3) She’s also the reason why Dorothy Perkins is soaring with profits. Every credit card company’s best friend.

4) Tables and chairs in pubs should be kept away after 2am on a Friday or Saturday. Point to note all pub owners of Malaysia.

5) Contrary to popular believe, her directions are as bad as mine. Just to find a simple restaurant which was measly 2 minutes from where she was…she took a tour of Damansara instead. But it would take her a lot to admit that. Give her a few drinks and the rest is classic.

6) Never tie a saree with her. It’s like the end of all things. Picture Medusa unleashed.

7) And yes….anybody wants Yoga lessons. Please feel free…Skilled Yoga Master.I mean, Iam seeing new age contemporary moves. Never in the history of yoga. Wow man. Next Day: I can’t moveeeee, Iam like the mummy’s return. After doing literally jack.

8) Furthermore, if you faint in public. She laughs. Iam not saying I’ve fainted in public before, it’s just the concept. Why do we need enemies when we have friends like this?

I LOVE YOU KUNDIKAI!

A walk down Nalina world (what’s it to you?)

My long awaited blog my fellow Nalina blog fans :) This has been held up by busy days and busy nights.

I was listening to Bone Thugs N Harmony last night: See you at the crossroads…crossroads…crossroads…So crossroads eh..well mine is looming..(Will update you some other time)

My dad decides to surprise me with his presence 3 days ago, after not seeing him for like nearly 2 months.
I walk in the door
Dad: Hello!!!
Me: (Shocked) Ohhhhh Hiiiiiii!!! What are you doing here?
Dad: Uhmmm..its my house you knowww..
Me: I mean I thought you were not coming back till next week..
Dad: Nah, It was all just to surprise you darling daughter.
I added that..he did not say darling daughter.
Dad: So where are we going for dinner?
Me: Uhmm, actually I just popped in to get something and I had already made firm dinner plans with a friend…
Dad:( with his most pitiful facial expression-its all emotional blackmail). You going out? Now? Ohhhhhh..his voice softens…and he blinks his puppy eyes thoughtfully and looks at me..
Me (felt a dagger come right through me): Actually if knew you’d be coming I would have cancelled all plans in a heartbeat and..mary had a little lamb…I went on and on..
Dad: It’s okay…next time then…but I want to have a word with you about finishing the vodka bottle I got your sister. (How conveniently say this and expect me to enjoy dinner!)

Then something weird caught my eye…as I was walking out the door, I saw my sister studying at the dining table. I was motionless for a while. Oh man. Ripley’s believe it or not-new entry: Saritha studying. I still think it’s for strategic purposes.
Well later on he (dad) had his word with me…in a nutshell, according to dad, iam an alcoholic with no direction in life and on how I should stand up and be counted. Basically a long speech about random things like the choices I’ve made in life and my blues lately.

The fact is, I reckon, iam blessed with abundance of patience from god, to put up with the consequences of my wobbly judgment of people/character and also abundance of patience to get where I want to be later on. It’s not an impractical goal, especially in a world full of determined people. I just like to flow freely as I hate doing it by the book. Nothing irritates me more.

In a shift of mind set and in the wake of my dad’s recent fury with me..iam way too intricate for my own good and only me can deal with me.So, now…actually how much should you really worry about me?

On a lighter note, my next blog entry would be about the life and times with Shayanee Indra Bond..although it wasn’t too long…but definitely worth penning down…because there is never a dull moment with you and the world would probably be twice as boring without you!!

I stole this from Shoba's page-Too funny

Kundi 1:- Kirupalani
Kundi 2:- Indraraja
Now....
By Shoba:

Ok so it's been a long time...like i have the time hehe i hardly have the time to comb my hair in the mornings!!
So last weekend was Chinese New Year, and it's now the year of the Golden Pig/Boar whatever.
Went to PD with the two Kundis (sorry cannot mention names...you'll know why shortly..if i use their names i get kicked hehe)
First night, on the way to PD we decide that the driver should drive soberly...the passengers were hitting the vodka breezers allllll the way hehe...singing and dancing in the car, driver a little unhappy about that fact lol. So we get to the "hotel" where we're supposed to have an apartment with three rooms....it turns out that what they MEANT was three people could sleep there...Master bedroom with a double bed, and a single bed in the other room...no third room. So me (5'0") shared a single bed with Kundi1 (almost 6' tall)..her knee was in my collarbone all the second night haha (explanation coming up)
To help us through the disappointment, Kundi1 became bartender and started pouring us these vitamin C tasting vodka shots. It ended in the three of us laughing the night away then bed.
Next Night....DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA, then we decided to play Taboo. Kundi2 gets the word "Bond" and cannot say Goldeneye, 007 etc. SOOOO she turns to our driver and says, "Ok Babe, it's a movie, it's one word.....Ten Ten Ten Teeennnn" (imagine the opening chords of Beethoven’s song)...would it not have been easier to say Pierce Brosnan, Casino Royale..?? NOOOOO we get the clue, Ten ten ten teennnnn"
Kundi1 is no better...I'm trying to get her to say the word "rib" so i point at my rib asking her "what bone is this?"......the response???...."umm...collarbone?"
Good thing u went into accountancy sweetheart!!

Auditor

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Auditor, noun: an accountant with a grudge.

Contents
1 Life Cycle of an Auditor
2 Evolution of Auditors
3 Characteristics of Auditors
4 Auditors and Reproduction
5 Becoming an Auditor

1 Life Cycle of an Auditor

Auditors are a species of nomadic mammals, which came to Earth from the planet Debitor in the 1960s. Auditors are paperivores, and hunt in packs, known as audit teams. Each audit team is part of a bigger tribe. There is much tribal rivalry and situations are subject to change as large tribes seek to exterminate one another, but at the time of going to press, the ruling tribe in the audit world was PWC (Pricks with Calculators). An audit team typically changes its hunting ground every couple of weeks. Hunting grounds normally take the form of offices, but may also include factories, shops, schools and hyperspace. Any place of work is a potential source of nourishment to the paper-hungry auditor. All audit teams have a leader, who runs ahead of the pack in search of an audit trail. Should he find something suspicious, for example a file that has not been organized in alphabetical order, he will begin baying to attract the attention of the rest of the pack. Once the pack has a sniff of the scent, they are released upon the unsuspecting company, and tear around the offices of the internal accounts department, hunting out similar transgressions. When they find another offending item, they will let out a characteristic whoop of delight, and fall upon the filing cabinet, tearing the paperwork to shreds with their bare teeth in their eagerness to devour it. Audit packs have their own dens, known as home offices. The pack visits the office on average once a month, in order to refuel on stationery. Auditors can survive several days and nights without water, sex or sunlight but are liable to fall seriously ill if deprived of paper clips and yellow post-its. These, along with Tippex, are considered special delicacies. Tippex is particularly high in nutrients, and swallowing a small bottle of correction fluid before breakfast is widely believed to have beneficial effects on an auditor's digestive system.


2 Evolution of Auditors

Among laypeople there is a common perception that auditors and accountants are the same thing. Until 4 January 1972, this may or may not have been true. Before this time accountants and auditors had rested secure in the knowledge that debit was the side nearest the window. This is the first commandment of auditing, as given by Journalus Creditus and is believed by all auditors with a deep religious devotion. On this fateful day, however, Pricks with Calculators opened a brand spanking new den in the centre of London. Due to a tragic misunderstanding with the architect, a terrible mistake occurred; namely, that the building was constructed on a corner. The result was that the office now had windows on two walls. The accounting world was thrown into a dark and terrible confusion and a dreadful schism occurred. One group believed debit was the side nearest the window overlooking the high street, whilst the other could not be shaken from the conviction that it was the window overlooking the multistory car park. The matter was referred to an independent government committee, who eventually ruled that it was indeed the high street facing window. Those accountants who had believed in the multi-storey car park were distraught and flew into a violent frenzy with much wailing and shredding of papers. They felt so embittered that they vowed never to perform any constructive book-keeping tasks again. Instead they swore to roam the earth in search of other people’s book-keeping mistakes, in an attempt to dull the pain of their own unforgivable error. Initially they were content just to detail the errors in Audit Reports. The recession of the 1980s, however, meant times soon became lean and it was then that the custom of consuming erroneous paperwork was born.

3 Characteristics of Auditors

Whilst auditors come in both genders, males outnumber females in a ratio of 2:1. There is a good evolutional reason for this since the first thing a trainee auditor must master is the art of double entry. It is customary for large tribes of auditors such as Pricks with Calculators to send their new recruits on month-long residential courses to practice this useful skill. For obvious reasons of practicality, only one female auditor is required for every two men. In general, the best time to spot an auditor is during the so-called Audit Season which runs from January to April. Auditors with their distinctive pin-stripe plumage will be present in large numbers in all major offices, factories and places of work. If you think you have seen an auditor, approach with caution. Avoid making eye contact, as this may be viewed as antagonistic. Should the auditor begin to behave aggressively towards you, asking what proportion of your contingent liabilities you consider probable, the best advice is to shout "Enron!" and run very fast in the opposite direction. This will make the auditor in question shrivel up and die.

4 Auditors and Reproduction

Stocktaking is a strange version of foreplay peculiar to auditors. The audit pack will arrive at an industrial site at 6am in the morning and demand to know how many widgets they have. The auditors will then spend many happy hours counting the widgets and comparing their results to the figures on the company stock system. The more unexpected discrepancies that they find, the more sexually aroused they become. If at the end of the day they conclude that the company has been overstating their widgets, they will spontaneously orgasm en masse and begin to practice their double-entry by way of celebration. It doesn’t have to be widgets; it could be grains of sand. So long as it’s something which there is absolutely no value in counting, it will do the trick.

5 Becoming an Auditor

In order to become an auditor, it is necessary to pass the initiation rites of the ICAEW. There is a common misconception amongst laypeople that these initials stand for the Institute of Chartered Accountants of England and Wales. In fact, they represent the Institute of Calculator Addicts and Excel Worshippers. Trainee auditors spend many years at auditing colleges, where they study diverse subjects including BF (Better Filing), BM (Being Miserable) and FR (Finding Romance). In order to become officially qualified it is necessary to achieve a high pass in BF and BM combined with a bad fail in FR. If reading this article has made you feel you would like to become an auditor, you are advised to seek immediate psychiatric help.

Retrieved from "http://uncyclopedia.org/wiki/Auditor"

Stupid Cupid

Just thinking about Valentines Day makes me laugh. And why you may ask. I had a few truly interesting Valentines Day that I would never forget, even if I tried. The classic would be 7 years ago I think?

And Feb 14, 7 years ago.

My best buddy and I, along with our boyfriends at that point (who were best buddies as well) - were suppose to go on a fantastic double date that they had planned for us. I could not wait. Lunch it was. I somehow have always had reasonable expectations. So we went to American Chilies and our boyfriends ordered food like they’ve not seen them before and ate everything on the plate including the dressing like vultures straight out from the jungle. We ate like a big happy family.

And it was time to go home, and the bill came naturally and of course we thought that they had chosen AC since they would have had the cash for it. And boyfriend No.1 proudly announced that he had only 2 ringgit and looked at boyfriend no.2 for help and all of us looked at boyfriend no.2…and boyfriend no.2, which was mine alas, said don’t worry, I’ll take care of this, and it was like as if his wallet was so heavy he couldn’t open it….but kept on saying. I’ll take care of this…I peaked in his wallet…he had not more than 15 ringgit I believe…

Conclusion: My best buddy and I paid for the whole thing…

we weren’t too pleased with this..but we ignored it….because my bf said he has something really special for me…so the thought of that made me forget about the whole bill thing….and when he gave it to me….i didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, jump of a cliff or just cry….it was a glass dolphin (with the price tag still on), wasn’t teddy bears the norm..but a dolphin? Dude, what were you thinking? In addition to my shock, he made it shoddier but saying that he bought it on the way…at a convenient store….sigh…well at least I got a toy dolphin with the price tag on..my best friend got nothing..LOVE IS IN THE AIR…..

And about 13 years ago…I got a diamond shaped crystal item, which my first boyfriend gave me, and he flung it from his classroom to mine which was just across each other. Oh yes, and he wiped the whole thing with his sweat before giving it to me. And I kissed him again 12 years later on this day. Someone please gun me down.

Could Valentines Day get any weirder for me? – Story of my life

Oh but I loved V day last year with my girls, where I got so drunk ahahhahah and got a 42 years old whitey’s number..and passed out at the main entrance.

I don’t really remember all those other years. But these were the fondest.

Cupid, you are so stupid.

JB estate overdose

Hi.
Iam feeling really sluggish. Been in JB for almost 4 months now, and yes, i hate it. Plus i don't know what to write at all, am just killing time until its 5:30 and i get more work. So let me benefit from this little free time i have writing this blog other than usually drowning myself with chinese coffee( 8th wonder of the world), no wait, maybe 9th as Pan Mee is the 8th...

Okay...Ta for now!! :)